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The Scottish Problem

September 23rd 2008 06:37
Scottish football, a joke!
The phrase ‘Big Four’ should have been trademarked by the FA years ago. It’s a buzz word so regularly uttered that it will surely be remembered by history alongside such marvels as ‘Millennium Bug’, ‘Furby’ and ‘Blog’. The familiar phrase has become resented almost as much as it’s meaning and is now usually prefaced by the words, ‘the so-called’.


Now, imagine for a second if the phrase wasn’t ‘Big Four’ but rather ‘Big Two’. Scary thought.

Well, that’s Scottish Football. Rangers and Celtic, Glasgow’s rival teams, have dominated Scotland’s top division since it’s inception in 1890. In fact only two other clubs have won it in the last 40 years. Fans up and down the country know at the start of each season, and I mean literally know, that the eventual winner will be either Rangers or Celtic; and English fans think they have it bad.

English fans, and even the ones outside the so-called Big Four, can and do find solace in knowing that every week they are watching the very best footballers in the world. In Scotland they are not, no matter what they claim. Despite the incoherent bleating about Celtic’s good European record or the massive Rangers fan base, let’s get one thing perfectly clear. Scottish football and its top division are justifiably derided in England because it was, is, and always will be a joke.

The Glasgow teams can afford to be mediocre because their opposition is poor and they know that they really only have to finish above one single team to ensure Premier League victory. That doesn’t exactly put demands on the top two to go out and sign the world’s finest. Of course, they will argue that they do but the fact that the current transfer record in Scotland is the ridiculously inflated £12 million that Rangers paid for Tore Andre Flo back in 2000, would suggest otherwise.


Even the best teams in Scotland have taken to mixing average home grown talent with mediocre imports that are held up for praise despite pitting their talents against no marks. Take lanky Greek striker, Georgios Samaras, who floundered around the English Premier League looking like Bambi, on ice, on roller-skates. He was and still is an astonishingly ordinary player. In Scotland, at Celtic, he is thriving.

Similarly let’s look at rubbish Australian striker, Scott McDonald, who continues to be a force in the SPL, despite looking like he’s been eating way too much haggis. At any other club he would be forced to slim down and get his act together, but at Celtic there seems little point as his little talent is enough to get by against defenders that have no place earning money from the game.

That is the calibre of player that plies his trade in Scotland though and there is no scenario under which that will change. They just can’t attract the superstars that might actually make their league watchable, despite having the promise of the Holy Grail that we hear so much about… Champions League football.

The fact that Scotland gets two places for the Champions League is ridiculous and makes a mockery of the fact that the competition should be about finding the continents finest. If you can’t win the league in Scotland then rest assured you’re not the best team in Europe.
My suggestion, for what it’s worth, is to shut it down completely. Disband the entire league and allow them to be incorporated into the English one, much like Cardiff and Swansea are. That is the only way the teams up there are going to improve and get to a level that will really give their fans something to turn up for.

Then if Glasgow’s best really are as good as they say they are, who knows, maybe we’ll be talking about the (so-called) ‘Big Six’. Hmmm, I might just go and trademark that, right now.
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Managers or Moaners

September 19th 2008 04:30
Wenger - A caricature of the whineging manager
Alf Ramsey, Matt Busby, Joe Mercer, Brian Clough. These are just a few of the great managers of the game and none of them would shy away from speaking their minds. The victim on the end of one their tongue lashings would usually be one of their own players, occasionally the referee, but very rarely the opposition or their manager. In fact, Ol’ Big ‘Ead would strike fear into his own players much more than that of the opposition. It’s part of what kept them and the game honest.

Unfortunately, those days are long gone and we’re now presented with equally as skilled managers but ones who are too cowardly to accept responsibility for their own team’s failings and would go to sometimes ridiculous lengths to find someone else to blame for their defeat. The referee, an opposing player, the opposing manager, ball boys and girls… even the choice of kit has been blamed in the past by these bullies. Anything so they don’t have to put their hands up and say, ‘Look on the day my team didn’t perform,’ or better still, ‘I chose a team and tactics today that simply didn’t work.’ It would be too much for their egos to take, I’m sure


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The Best Fans in the World

September 9th 2008 05:08
The Football Fan - A Curious Creature
Gabby Logan recently criticised the Manchester City fans by claiming that if Newcastle United had been taken over by one of the richest men in the world promising unimaginable success, there would have been 30,000 elated screaming (and no doubt top naked) fans outside St James’ Park welcoming the new owners, rather than the one man in an Arab headdress at Eastlands. Why is this? Gabby, rather hysterically, claims this is because the Newcastle United fans are the best in the country. Oh Gabby. Obviously the fact that her beloved Toon Army was only 16,000 strong when they were in the England’s second tier, less than 20 years ago, did not factor into her exaggerated claim.

Manchester City fans spout the same annoying, sometimes cringe-worthy nonsense because they still get 35,000 plus fans at their games despite the last 30 years being little more than a pantomime. It’s an understandable argument, but still one that’s completely lost on me


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The State of the Game? Mental.

September 3rd 2008 04:10
Robinho - Biggest British Transfer Ever
This blog comes to you from a very drained and exhausted writer. If transfer deadline day was this bad for us fans, let's spare a thought for the likes of Mark Hughes, Alex Ferguson, Juande Ramos, and David Moyes who would literally have put in a 20 hour day, making sure their clubs ended up with the players they wanted.

It will comes as no shock to regular readers that I am a Manchester City fan. However, the goings on at Eastlands have been well documented and whilst I of course have one or two opinions on the events of the last few days, I thought it best to spread this blog around a little and talk about the Premier League in general and more specifically the winners and losers of transfer deadline day


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Now in England's Third Tier...
There is one thing that unites all football fans throughout the land, whether you’re riding high as a Portsmouth fan or watching your club struggle just to stay in business like a lowly Bournemouth supporter (shout going out to my mate, Alf). There is one thing that brings us all together in harmony. One thing that can bring peace between Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday, Newcastle and Sunderland, Everton and Liverpool, heck, even Rangers and Celtic.

That one thing is Dirty Leeds. Well, actually our combined hatred of the aforementioned team, but you get my drift


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Bad, Bad Leroy (Joey) Barton

May 21st 2008 00:23
THUG
In a hushed court room, the judge laid down his gavel (that small hammer thing), pulled open his draw and withdrew the dreaded black cloth. He placed the cloth atop his off-white, cotton syrup and dramatically bellowed the verdict. “Joseph De Do Doe Don’t De Doe Barton, you have been found guilty of thuggery of the first degree. I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until dead. Executioner, take the prisoner away!”

“Jooooeeeeyyyy!” Kevin Keegan sprang up startled and sweaty, his Newcastle United bedspread wetter than a trout’s satchel and his Newcastle United pyjamas dripping more than an otter’s pocket. But it was all a dream. King Kev took a swig of Brown Ale from his plastic Newcastle United tumbler, complete with black and white striped bendy straw, and laid his permed head back down onto his Newcastle United crested pillow. He turned over, his eyes glancing to his Newcastle United alarm clock that would wake him up again in two short hours to the tune of ‘There’s only one Kevin Keegan’. He glanced over and smiled at his life size Terry McDermott poster before his gaze dropped to his Newcastle United carpet, upon which lay a copy of today’s Big Paper. Staring back at him, the headline read, ‘Barton jailed for six months’. “Jooooeeeeyyyy


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Ronaldo The Great!

May 13th 2008 05:44
Not a show pony anymore!
Manchester United won their tenth Premier League this past weekend, amidst calls from their manager that this was his ‘best team ever’ – a claim I imagine Eric Cantona might disagree with. It’s worth remembering though that Alex Ferguson makes this claim every time United lift the trophy. He might be right too. I imagine this side would turn over the previous league winning teams, and convincingly so.

Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not unequivocally agreeing with the red faced Scot. I’m simply saying that in a one on one contest the class of 2007/8 would beat the, say, the 1996/7 champions. However, Ferguson has had better squads and better groups of players than this current bunch, which are, so United fans convince themselves, doused with unlimited potential


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Frankie - Saint or Sinner?
Ahhh Man City. They have given journalists more to talk about in the last 25 years, than Michael Jackson and Bindi Irwin put together. Well, not together, but you know what I mean.

Being neighbours to the biggest club in the world is never easy, but far from keeping their heads down and plodding along quietly, City constantly flirt with greatness only to be slapped back down again, like a dog getting frisky with your nether regions


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Chelsea versus Spurs, 2006
The race for the Premier League title, whilst still to be contested by the three clubs you would have predicted in August last year, promises to be a very close and exciting affair. Manchester United, Arsenal and now even Chelsea all have an excellent chance of holding the trophy aloft come May.

As I said, there’s no real surprise that they’re the three teams we’re talking about, though Chelsea have stealthily one-nilled their way into contention, but we could see the lowest points tally for a Premier League winning side in quite some time. All of the so-called Big Four have slipped up far too many times this season to be called dominant and some people are even suggesting this might be the beginning of the end for the dominant quintet


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Money Talks, Feet Walk

March 12th 2008 21:59
John Terry's Match Bonus
Can I start by saying that I’m writing this article only a couple of hours after handing across nearly a third of my weekly wage to a lovely man who spoke no English? The reason why? It’s now a heinous crime to park your own car outside you own house! A crime, so serious, that its law enforcer’s, armed with a very large piece of yellow metal, have a response time of just 42 seconds, precisely.

Football has proven that it relishes a hero, and persecutes a villain. It has also proven that the gulf between the two can be as little as 90 minutes. Loyalty is a luxury that is demanded by every football fan, but one that is very rarely seen. The hypocrisy that has filtered into a game that has tens of millions of pounds thrown at its celebrities is ever growing. It baffles me as to how a man like Dennis Wise can rant and rave about his players opting out of their contracts early, as soon as the £ sign come knocking at their door. How the now St James’ Park backroom boy easily forgets Leeds United. A club that gave him such a unique chance to be a part of their revolution, after only being in charge at Swindon Town for two minutes


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